Imagine you are playing chess, and suddenly — out of nowhere — you’re playing dodgeball. The carefully crafted rules you thought you were following no longer apply. Instead of sitting at a board with 32 pieces, strategically using your 16 to kill the queen and take the king, you now need to be on your feet, nimble, open to moving quickly and adapting.
I think something like that is happening as discussions about gender neutral expression become more common. Some people are having a difficult time wrapping their head around the gender/identity revolution that is taking place. Younger folks, per normal, are quicker on the uptake of these types of situations. Quicker to accept people as their authentic selves. Quicker to defend people’s right to be their own truth. For some people on the far side of 40, it’s more of a challenge.
I’ve watched a lot of eyes roll during recent conversations about pronouns. I have felt some confusion, hostility, and ignorance from one side and defensive aggression, combative confidence, and severe impatience on the other. As in many things, I think happiness lies somewhere in the middle. I have several people in my life who identify as non-binary. Some very close to me and mine, and some as Internet friends, newly met. Either way, I find myself with exposure to enbies (aka non-binary, aka NB) and having more conversations about non-binary identity than ever before. I am trying to learn and grow, trying to be respectful, and understand. I would like to offer my thoughts on the gender-fluid, pronoun revolution and how it has the potential to end sexism.
Here is why I support non-binary identification and gender-neutral language. And while I say I support it, it’s not really even mine to support. It just is. It’s like saying I support trees. But for the sake of this ramble, please humor me. Firstly, it’s none of my damn business how any human identifies. It simply isn’t. Regardless of how a person presents on a given day, they get to say who they are. Some people with zero exposure to the reality of gender fluidity have a hard time. They trip on the grammar, they balk at the concept, they feel threatened and get defensive. And while I want to scream at all of them: “It’s not about you!”, we humans can’t help but make things about us, relate to things as they connect to us, define ourselves against the other. Languages change and grow. Humans are complicated.
It’s not about you.
Secondly, let me state clearly that I recognize and respect all trans and non-binary people. For those with gender dysphoria, chess is not their game. It was never an option and it never needs to be. Their game was only ever dodgeball. They shouldn’t be forced to try to play something they can’t, and no one should expect them to be someone they aren’t. A very wise person told me: “many of us can’t actually help it. … Like with the more widely accepted identities under the trans umbrella, nonbinary identities not only inform our lifestyles, but also our relationship with our bodies. Some develop a certain level of body or gender dysphoria, where the expression outside of what they may feel that day, that week or that month, can be deeply harmful. For others, it’s not as intense. Depending on the severity, some people essentially cannot actually make a decision on if they will be a certain way or not, they simply are.”
They simply are.
But what about people who can change the game? Who want to change the game? I have a sneaking suspicion there is something bigger happening. I want to stress that this part is less about the individuals in the LGBQTIA+ community who experience gender fluidity as it is about the concepts they are inserting into the zeitgeist, simply by existing. I think without realizing it, we are on the verge of a revolution that will actually change sexism. The people pushing the boundaries of gender identity out of the binary realm are paving the way for minority groups’ point of view to benefit the majority. The female artists and authors who took on a male nom de plume or published with just initials were on the similar track, I think, but this generation has the potential to take it further.
*Cue Taylor Swift’s “If I was a Man” for background music* You can’t discriminate against me as a woman if I refuse to call myself a woman. You will eventually have a harder time hiring me at a lower pay scale if you cannot determine if I am female. If my proper name and my pronouns are gender-neutral you will be less able to sift my resume out of your pile. You will be less able to pigeonhole me. You will be less able to sexualize me. If I wear my hair long, paint my nails, and put on eyeliner you are less likely to typecast me as a male. You are less likely to expect me to perform rites of masculinity I find repugnant if you cannot say with certainty that I am a man. If I refuse to lock in on one gender, then I retain power over how you categorize me. If others continually stand up for enbies, accept non-binary as simply something that is — if it becomes normalized — then gender-marginalized people get a chance at a new kind of world. One where gender is less important. Less categorized. Less weaponized. We would all benefit.
The way I grew up, gay was a giggly slur and bi-sexuality did not exist, at least not in the real world (maybe in the teen fantasy porn kind of world, but not in the everyday, grocery shopping, litter box scooping world). The best that a masculine girl could be was a tomboy (that’s me). The worst: “A d*ke.” The best that a feminine boy could be was sensitive. The worst: “a f****t.” It was close-minded, bigoted, fearful, small. It was chess, and that was all we were allowed to play. Those were the rules. No one realized there were some among us who could never play chess. Of course there were transgender people, non-binary people, gay people — they have been around as long as we’ve been a civilization and existing more freely in some non-Western, non-Christian societies. But in my little corner of the world, they were not seen or talked about. I imagine it is the same for many people in my generation and above. No one told us about dodgeball.
Here’s what this younger generation knows, and we older ones are only now slowly starting to glean: We can change the game. We can change it for everyone: the chess players, the dodgeball players, all the gamers of all the games. The world doesn’t have to be binary. It doesn’t have to be so limited. And opening up to a wider perspective on our language can not only validate a minority, it can greatly benefit the majority. If you find yourself eye-rolling or getting annoyed because someone asked you to use they/them, I would gently challenge you to ask yourself why that is. Sit with it a bit. See if you can pinpoint why someone else’s identity bothers you. See if you can untangle your confusion and annoyance and just see the person.
They simply are.
It’s not about you.
I am well *well* north of 40 and I admit that I find the use of gender-neutral pronouns difficult and grammatically challenging, but not impossible. I try to be respectful of names and pronouns. I mess up, but never maliciously. And despite resistance from certain quarters, I am increasingly coming to think neutral pronouns might be necessary for our collective growth as a society. In fact, I may encourage everyone to consider using gender-neutral pronouns more in their day-to-day conversations and communications. If you see She/Them in my bios, don’t be surprised. I want to help change the game.
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